Facts of life

• In less than a month I will be 25 years old. I feel ill-prepared for adulthood.
• I’ve started swearing a lot more than I used to.  I’m not sure how I feel about this.
• I’ve been a bad girlfriend.  I should probably break up and move out.
• On the bright side, I just bought a digital grand piano with my stimulus check. The Yamaha YPG-625.  I need to find more expression through music.
• I live for my friends. And I miss Angie so much it hurts!
• I’m really tired all the time, but I decided that I don’t care anymore.

$$$????

There is a taco shack just a block away from where I live that literally serves tacos and burritos out of the window of a little trailer.  A canopy is propped up to cover a plastic picnic table and chairs, which is their “seating area.”  The food is authentic and tasty, and best of all, dirt cheap.  Or so it WAS.

Tacos are $2 each, instead of $1.75.  Burritos, which were once $4.75, went up in price a dollar.  So the taco shack isn’t dirt cheap anymore — it’s “pretty cheap.”  I don’t think I can justifiably brag about this place anymore, although I’d certainly recommend it.

I suspect that food prices on the raw market are driving up prices on the menu.  I picked up some veggie lasagna today from a Pizza/Panini place across the street, and it too has gone up in price.  $9 for lasagna in a little to-go box?  Seems a little steep for me.

I may find myself on a new portion control diet, not because I want to shed weight, but because I want to save MONEY.

Every day it feels like the cost of living just keeps going up and up.  Gas costs.  Food costs.  Energy bills.  The job market feels really tight, and I’m not surprised that the national unemployment rate keeps increasing.  It all depresses the hell out of me.  I know there’s no such thing as a “quick fix” for the economy’s problems, but when can we expect to get some relief here?  WHEN?

Morning writing warmup

Time to get my writing muscles working.

I came down with a head cold over the weekend, and I doubt the winter-like Seattle rain in June helps any. The heat actually came on the other day, and we’re like “c’mon, you’ve gotta be kidding me!”  Blah, Seattle, blah. Anyways, my cold has finally gone away, after sleeping away half the weekend and drinking half a bottle of NyQuil. Go me!

The boyfriend’s out of town for the week, so it’s time to  PAR-TAY!  Well, maybe not.  I guess I was excited about having guilt-free time to myself before he left, but I miss him like hell already — and he only left yesterday!  I think that must say something about our relationship.  As much as I get caught up in how blase it feels sometimes, I think I’m way more devoted to him than I realize.  He gets back late Sunday night (technically, early early Monday morning, at like 1:30 a.m.).  We’ll see if I can’t keep myself out of trouble before then!

As for work, I decided to take the other job position. I figure I have nothing to lose, and staying with the company a little longer takes out any personal element of my previous situation, i.e. good for positive job reference.  My last day at my current job will be this Friday, and next week Wednesday I’ll be starting up with the new position.  A bonus is that I’m switching from full-time employment to a 32-hour work week, at my own request. Sure, I’m taking a pay cut, but it’s worth it — I feel like I never have enough time on my hands.  This job is only a temporary means to an end, and I need time to figure out what that “end” is.

Not much else going on. My friend Jay’s birthday is this Friday — Friday the 13th, no less.  I’m debating what I should get him.  I’m thinking of getting him something quirky, like a pet fish.  Who doesn’t love a pet fish?  I love pet fish, but can’t seem to keep any of them alive.  I can’t even keep a stupid plant alive.

Go me!

Killing time

Oh my gosh I can’t seem to keep my eyes open.  I hate that feeling … I’m just so tired all the time.  I don’t get enough exercise!  The other day I looked at my butt in the mirror and almost had a heart attack.  What the hell happened?  I’ve been sitting on my ass too much, that’s what.

I used to be so fit.  I could swim a mile.  I could run.  I could carry heavy things.  Play tennis.  Now I’ve become a total slacker-ass.  Very lazy.  This is what relationships do to you!

But enough of my narcissistic rant.

I haven’t had a chance to express my happiness that Obama is on the ticket for the general election.  I think if he is President he will be a great leader.  He has brought so many people into the political process that never used to care, or think they mattered (me included).  God bless the man.

I’ve heard a lot of arguments from the opposition.  He’s not patriotic, he’s too liberal, he’s elitist, blah blah blah.  And of course, there is the “lack of experience” argument.  Honestly, I think having someone “fresh” in the white house is a good thing, and that is part of the movement that has defined his campaign. The absolute number one reason I love the guy is because I really believe he is going to change the system.  Before anyone saw it coming, he had been somewhat of a dark horse (no racial pun intended, people!) in this contest — an outsider, if you will.  I really like that about him.  Like many other young people, I have become so disillusioned with the way politics are handled, that to have someone come from the outside, running on a platform of transparency, integrity and reason — I am all for it.

I may not agree with him on all the issues but his new brand of politics is what I’m ultimately voting for.

And now I’m fifteen minutes away from the end of my work day.  Thank God.  The working life in your 20s really sucks sometimes (almost all the time).

Stuck.

Maybe it’s the hair, but for some reason it feels like I’ve been getting a lot of male attention lately, particularly in the Eastlake neighborhood.  The worst part is?  I’ve been enjoying it, probably too much.

I find myself wanting to spend more time over there than I do with my own boyfriend.  That’s got to be a red flag right there.  I used to think I was above all of it — that I could care less what other guys thought of me.  I would find them objectively attractive, but I wasn’t going to take the bait.  I also figured that guys and girls my age just end up in bed, and I’m not into that. I’ve always thought falling in love was the best part.

I think the problem in that situation is that I’ve (1) grossly underestimated the intentions of the entire male population, and (2) underestimated my own propensity for being attracted to other people as “more than friends.”  I’ve already developed crushes on a few people I know, and become so absorbed in them that I think it undermines my own relationship.  I’ve been with Michael for more than two years now, and I guess I just miss having those butterflies and moments of tension when you first meet someone.  And making out … I really miss making out.

Has our relationship simply fallen into a “friends with benefits” situation?  Because I certainly feel like I’m practically single.  Aside from all the flirting, though, I’ve been a loyal girlfriend.  I haven’t made out with anyone or worse slept with anyone since I’ve been with Michael.  It is kind of a big deal for me, because cheating had been a problem for me in my previous two relationships.  I’m not proud of it … but what can I say.  Cheating is one of those things that is way more common than it should be.

I haven’t emotionally cheated either, although Michael and I don’t have the best chemistry when it comes to conversations.  That’s always been a concern for me.

Sigh.

I think I have something good with a really good person but my eyes and heart are beginning to wander.  What do I do?  Do I let it go and roam free, unencumbered by the domestic comforts of a committed relationship?  What a life change that would be.  Or do I bite the bullet and stick around, because this is the natural course of things?

Double sigh.

Life update

What a weekend. I’ll work chronologically:

Thursday.

I emailed my boss my letter of resignation:

Dear {Boss’s name},

It has been brought to my attention, on several occasions, that my methods for completing my work have been unsatisfactory. Since I started with {company} I felt that my independent work style and ability to deliver results were compatible with the company’s operations. Now it has become clear to me that the focus has shifted from the end results of what I produce to how I produce those results, and I have struggled to cope with the scrutiny that now surrounds my work.

I understand that this is not a personal matter, and more a question of work style. For that reason, I believe it is time for me to move on, and seek a work environment that is more compatible with my job performance.

I would like to meet with you tomorrow to discuss my resignation, answer any questions that what you might have, and discuss what we can do to make the transition as smooth as possible. I am open to work out the details of when I leave and how. I am also more than willing to help in any way I can with recruiting and training a replacement. I have great respect for you and your vision for what the company is trying to accomplish, and I would very much like to leave on a positive note.

Sincerest regards,

{me}

That morning, I had also met with the two girls who used to be in Jaime’s lab. They are both doing really well, and talked about how easy it was to get into another lab. I never thought I’d hear them say it, but they told me that they love being grad students! I was blown away. I’ve started thinking — what if I could love grad school and science again, if I gave it a fair shake? Who knows? It was really great to talk to them, they were very positive and totally understood what I’d been through.

Friday.

I met with my boss to chat about my resignation, and I didn’t hold back when I explained to him why. I’m tired of trying to “make things easier for everyone.” Screw that. I’m tired of getting pushed around.

I didn’t get overly emotional, either, but I let him know what I think about these girls I work with, and the editor girl especially. I can tell he’s very concerned about me, but I can also see that he has no intention of letting her go. And she is a bad manager. So as much as I respect him … that concerns me.

He offered me a different position within the company, so I won’t have to work with her anymore. I’m still on the fence. If I get offered this job with the Puget Sound Blood Center, I think I’ll probably go with that — as long as the pay isn’t much worse than what I get paid now. One thing is for sure — something’s going to change, whether I stay with the company or not. And that makes me feel much much better. Also a plus: editor girl knows that I sent in my letter of resignation, and I think she got the message that now it is time for her to back off. So I’m going to wrap up my projects in peace, thank god.

I partied a lot this past weekend, to get all the work hate out of my system. After work on Friday I met up with Jonah, who just moved to Kirkland, and Cali, the other writer I work with, for drinks at the Eastlake Zoo Tavern. I had a lot of beer that night, so I was feeling awesome. After they left I started talking to the really cute bouncer/bartender who was working that night. He’s adopted too, so we talked a lot about family and stuff. To me, he’s the epitome of a Seattle city kid: bicyclist/jazz drummer/lots of tattoos/great body/cigarette smoking/Jameson drinking/bar-tending/seems snobby at first but is nice once you get to know him. Drool! I pretty much stuck around until closing.

Saturday.

Then on Saturday night, I took my friend Jay to the Baltic Room for a friend’s private party. I was a little torn as to whether or not I should bring him, since, you know, he likes me and all. But I thought it would be good for us to have some quality friend time and go out dancing, and it turns out we had a lot of fun. $30 for top-shelf open bar! We were so wasted. They were playing really good 90s music too … we were having a blasted blast. In the middle of the night we went to have pizza slices. We were so drunk we forgot to throw away our plates! I feel bad about that in retrospect … we were pretty messy.

Sunday.

Yesterday I played softball while I was a little hung over. We lost pretty badly, but it was fun while it lasted. And now it’s Monday … but it’s June!! Angie is going to be here in less than two weeks!!! I am so excited I can barely contain myself.

So that’s my ridiculously long update, because I’ve been really lazy about this blog. I know I should update more often … but you guys should comment more too! Encourage me.

The last straw.

On Friday I am going to meet with my boss and tell him I’m through.  I got another long email from the editor girl telling me how to do my job and I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!

Other updates:

1. I’m hanging out with my friend Jay again. He’s not emo anymore, although apparently he still has feelings for me.
2. I had my second interview this morning at the Puget Sound Blood Center.  I think it went well.  It wouldn’t rank as the most amazing interview I’ve ever done, but I think I made a good enough impression.
3. I went for my first bike ride of 2008 yesterday, around Greenlake.  It was awesome!

That’s it for now.  Off to bed for me …

Stupidity happens

Remember how I posted that I was going to meet with that girl who used to be in my former lab? Well, turns out I completely forgot. I just finished writing her an apologetic email. Oh my gosh, I wouldn’t blame her if she doesn’t ever want to talk to me. What a way for me to make a bad first impression!!!!!!!

Weird realizations

Ohh, drama.

I am not a dramatic person. I may overreact occasionally, but I tend to be very laid back about most things. I don’t like to be judgmental. I try not to jump to conclusions or over analyze situations.

Life is full of enough drama as it is, you know? I don’t need to make things more complicated by inviting it.

Well, I found out recently that a friend of mine has “fallen for me.” His name is Jay; he’s one of the Eastlake neighborhood folks that I hang out with, and I met him through Shannon a couple months ago.

I didn’t really have an interest in being friends with Jay at first — he kind of seemed like a pale, skinny, creepy guy. But then I got to know him better and found out that he’s really a great person with a good heart. He laughs and smiles a lot, and jokes around. He’s also a real gentleman, and bought me a drink every time we hung out.

I thought it all was innocent enough — a flirtatious friendship — with clearcut  boundaries. After all, he knew from the getgo that I am in a committed relationship. But eventually his feelings for me morphed into something I didn’t really want to happen. I had always tried to show him how much I appreciated the friendship, but I think he wanted to believe that my gesture were signs that I was into him.

But even if I was single, I’m not attracted to him in that way. I haven’t told him that, of course. I don’t want to be cruel.

I always thought flirtatious friendships were possible, without anyone’s feelings getting hurt. Although now I understand it can be a slippery slope. It’s really hard for a guy and a girl to be solidly “just friends.” A lot of times feelings get in the way.

Earlier this month, the “Eastlake crew,” as I call them, went bowling for Shannon’s birthday and we all pretty much got wasted. As Jay and I were talking in a drunken stupor, he pecked me on the cheek before I knew what was happening. That should have been a red flag. I wagged my finger at him and shook my head. I figured he might have a small crush on me, and that I just needed to put him in his place every once in a while.

After that I realized that he was beginning to act differently around me. He tried to behave more like a tough guy, a “bad boy,” as opposed to the happy-go-lucky dude I had originally become friends with. He bragged about getting into fights with people and how he “fucked them up.” I just listened.  I was concerned, but it didn’t really cross my mind that he was trying to show off.

Last night the group of us went dancing downtown at this place called the Alibi room. I was so excited when the plans were made — I hadn’t been dancing for such a long time, and it is always more fun when you are with friends. I was happy that Jay was coming, because he and I had always joked about how we were going to have a “dance-off.”

Before going out, Jay invited me to dinner at eight with his friends and I said “sure, that sounds like fun.” Then I called him later, and he told me that dinner wasn’t happening and that he was free to hang out whenever. I told him that was fine. Michael had asked me to go get sushi with him anyways, and I wanted to spend time with my boyfriend before going out.

But I think I missed something.  Apparently there was some misspoken idea that I was STILL supposed to meet up with Jay at 8 pm that night. How he had come up with that conclusion is beyond me, but right before leaving to go to the club, I got a text message that said “I’m not coming out I have things to do.” I just thought he was being a flake and I called him to convince him to come out still. Then he went off on me … about how he can’t just wait around for me, etc. etc., we were supposed to meet at 8 and his friends were like “WTF” and whatever … I don’t even know why he was upset. He made me feel really bad, though … like for some reason, I had screwed up. Shannon told me not to worry about it, and we headed out, determined to have a good time.

When we got to the club I text messaged him that we were there. He called me and rambled on more about who knows what. He eventually showed up … wasted. I was happy at first — we danced a bit, and everything seemed okay.

But then he started coming on to me big time. It was beginning to make me uncomfortable. I think eventually he realized that he was crossing the line and said he had to go back to Eastlake.

Then he text messaged me later that night:

“I’m sorry I like you too much. I can’t like sm1 who is in a relationship. It’s my fault I fell for you. I’m sorry.”

I feel horrible. I know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of the “just friends” conversation. I HATED it!! It was like a slap to the face every time it happened. And now the tables have turned and it sucks even worse.

Shannon talked to him this morning and he said that he can’t hang out with me anymore. He told her that he hasn’t like someone this much since he was with his ex-wife (he’s 33 and divorced). It makes me really sad. Whenever I went to Eastlake, I could always count on hanging out with Jay, and that it would be a lot of fun. I don’t have that anymore … at least, not for a while, it seems.

We’ll see. I’m determined that whatever happens, I will still be his friend. He’s a genuinely good person and I don’t want to hurt him. So the least I can do is try to be compassionate towards his situation, even if it’s over me.

Drunken stupor

The problem … with going out to have fun without the boyfriend nearby … is the potential to be hit on by very attractive people.  And when you get drunk, figuring out an exit strategy becomes more and more challenging.

Tonight, I pulled the flirt-with-his-friend-switcheroo.  That’s a pretty good exit strategy.  Except, his friend asked me for my number … ummmm …. uh oh!