I know it’s been awhile

But I’m back. It’s been a month … sorry folks!  I’ve been so M.I.A., it happens when there is a new person in your life who is a constant demand on your time.  Anyways, it’s 1:54 in the morning right now and I am going to write until I pass out.

So the big news is that I’m going back to graduate school.  I am technically an enrolled student now, so it’s official.  It is pretty sweet having a bus pass again, I must admit.  I have to work as a T.A. for my former despot professor.  That should be interesting, UGH.  But I have a full quarter to find a new lab and get situated, and who knows! Maybe in a year I’ll have a master’s degree and the justification I need to get out of this godforsaken place they call academia.

So for the past three weeks I’ve been on “vacation” — pretty much ever since quitting my job at NuWire.  It is a  sweet deal, although for a while I was in serious panic-mode because this other job I thought I had — the restaurant/casino server job — totally fell through.  I thought I was going to have to scrape my way to a living over here.

In vacation mode, I’ve been spending money a little more extravagantly than usual … mostly on food and booze.  I’d feel pretty guilty if I bought a new outfit.  Speaking of booze, my drinking frequency is at an all-time high.  I think it happens when one of your closest friends AND the guy you’re dating is a bartender and gives you beer for free.

Yes, I’m still dating that guy … the bouncer dude.  Things have been pretty up and down, depending on his mood.  He has shown improvements in some areas but sometimes it feels like he’s ready to jump ship at a moment’s notice.  For a while it kept me on edge, but now I’m like, screw it, I don’t care.  I’ll just mosey on about my life and hang out if he wants to hang out.  It seems the laid-back approach is my foolproof method for almost any situation.

I know I’m speaking pretty vaguely.  I’m pretty tired.  I had my second Taiko drumming lesson tonight, it was kickass.  We learned all five lines for the Renshu, which is a popular practice drill.  I love beating a bigass drum with sticks, it is such a great feeling!  Sometimes I wonder if I’ve missed various callings in my life.  Being a professional Taiko performer would be sooo cool.

Okay I think that’s it for now, my eyelids are drooping as I type this and the screen looks fuzzy!  I’ll try to write more tomorrow.  For those who are still reading this, thanks for hanging in there with me, friends.

Is everyone gay, or is it just me?

Almost exactly two years ago I found out that my father is homosexual.  Finding that out completely turned my world upside-down — this man that I thought I had known for all 23 years of my life was a different person entirely!  I didn’t know how to react, or what to think.  I couldn’t bring myself to talk to him for weeks.

By now, I’ve gotten over it, I accept it for what it is.  Don’t get me wrong, I really enjoy my gay friends, and I have plenty of them, but it is a bit different when it hits so close to home and it’s such a huge secret that has been let out of the bag.

Interestingly, I’ve started to see a strange pattern emerge.  I recently got in touch with an old old friend of mine — I knew this kid in grade school.  We were in the same kindergarten class together, and he asked me to marry him (you know how kids do that).  Twenty years later we’re both in Seattle … and now he’s openly gay.  Isn’t that just the story of my life??

Story #2: Yesterday night i went out for a drink with a really nice guy I had met over in Eastlake.  He asked me out, so I was like, why not.  The funny part is, though, that when I first met him I seriously thought he could be gay.  He came in to the Zoo and smiled at me — I thought he was pretty cute, and I complimented him on his kickass motorcycle jacket. I watched him walk off and I was like “he’s kinda cute, but skinny.”  Then this other dude came in, asked me if he’d seen another single guy walk in there, and I pointed in his direction.  I was like “Oh they’re totally gay for each other.”

Well, turns out they’re not gay.  And the first guy really wanted to talk to me, and ended up asking me out.  Whoops.  I swear ever since I found out my dad has a thing for men my gaydar has been waaay off.  Or maybe this dude is in the closet?  Who the hell knows these days!

Story #3: I even thought that whats-his-face, bouncer dude that I’m obsessed with, was possibly gay the very first time I met him.  He walks upright, he wears fitted shirts, and he complimented me on my shoes the very first time we met.  I thought he was cute but didn’t think anything of it since I suspected we might swing in opposite directions, so I asked my friends, “Is so-and-so gay?”

“No, he’s so not.”

Really??

I don’t know what the hell is going on.  It’s so funny how life perpetuates itself from generation to generation, or at least the way you view things definitely gets handed down.  Blah why does my love life have to be so damn complicated?  I forgot how much being single sucks sometimes, because of all these *ahem* fucking technicalities!!

Killing time … more like stabbing it to death!

I have 30 minutes left in this godforsaken place.  What a day.

• Not only has my carpool buddy ditched me this week, leaving me to take two-hour bus rides home, he has also started hitting on me over Facebook, bribing me with rides in exchange for me “wearing something sexy.”  This is NOT GOOD.
• I had a big scare with my credit card/bank today.  Those are always fun.
• Looking for housing stresses me out.
• I’m going to apply for a server job with a card room over in North North North Seattle.  I heard the tips are good.  They better be, because if I stay late I will almost certainly have to take a taxi back to my place.  But I think working at night is really what I’m meant to do right now.
• Which means, I should probably quit my current job pretty soon.
• Blah blah blah I hate money!
• Tomorrow should be a good day.

Here we go again

Trying to get back in the habit of updating this blog.  I’ve broken rule #2 for this blog so many times it’s not even funny.

John and I went to our first East coast swing dancing lesson last night!  It was so much fun, I am so hooked.  I’ve actually taken a couple classes before, so the basic steps all started coming back to me.  We had to rotate partners constantly, and all of these men were of various ages, smells, shapes and sizes.  The guy that would always rotate right before John was this really smelly guy who moved like Gumby.  That dude really needs to take a shower.  I was always so relieved by the time I rotated to John again!  Who is, by the way, pretty damn good too — a natural, so to speak.  It’s so awesome having a designated dance partner, and I’m going to make him practice with me ALL THE TIME.

I’m supposed to see The Dark Knight tonight with the new guy, but I haven’t heard from him since the 3 a.m. poem he sent me over text two nights ago.  Yes, you heard right … he and I exchange poems over text.  I’d like to think it’s a sign of good faith, that he really does like me, but then when it comes to the simple things — like calling to confirm plans for tonight — I have no idea what is going on.  I have no idea what I am supposed to do.  I feel like this is all destined for failure. Then again, who the hell knows.  At one point I really thought Michael was “the one” and then things didn’t turn out like I expected either.

You know what the problem is?  There have been so many “rules” written about dating people, that I’m so fucking scared to scare this guy away.  And then there is always the possibility that maybe he just doesn’t like me that much, in spite of what he says, because again, that’s what books tell me!  There are so many voices in my head that it’s driving me crazy.  I’m getting anxiety attacks.  Friends try to give me advice, but what I really need to do is trick myself into changing my behavior.

I can try following the rules all I want but what I really need to do is adjust my attitude.  I have been so focused on being a good friend and helping other people, because it’s so much easier than dealing with my own shit.  I don’t love myself enough.  That needs to change.  If I can be secure in myself, then I won’t have to be all paranoid and crazy.  Things are going to be okay.

Is there even such a thing as a “normal love life”??  I highly doubt it.  We try to normalize it in books and movies but everything is just so fucked up, what is the point of deluding ourselves.

My brain is fried.

I wish I could jumpstart my brain like a car battery.  The synapses are just not working right now.  I hate the mornings. UGH.

So much has happened since my last entry.  From getting kicked out, to losing the sublet and not having a place to live, to getting the sublet again, to turning 25, to drinking practically every night for two weeks straight.  No wonder my brain is fried.

I’m at work right now and I am the epitome of the word UNMOTIVATED.  I really need to start looking for a new job because sooner or later people are going to notice that I am being a complete slacker-ass.  Sigh.  I hate that feeling.

It feels good to write.  It’s not work-related but at least I feel the slightest bit productive right now.  Maybe this can help the blood start pumping back into my head.  God I hate getting up early.  Working the 8-5 is such a joke because I don’t even start becoming functional until 11 a.m.  It’s pretty dumb.

Michael and I have agreed to be friends.  Which is great — I really didn’t want things to get hostile between us.  Although I think the chances of us getting back together are pretty much nil.

I’ve also started casually seeing this guy — the guy who works the door at the Eastlake Zoo.  I am starting to really like him, which scares the shit out of me.  This is NOT a good time for me in my life to get my feelings hurt, so I’m trying to be mindful of that.  It’s funny because he is extremely different from any guy I’ve dated before, and so I’m kind of dumbstruck whenever I’m around him.  I don’t know what to say or how to act.  I become really shy.  I feel like I’m in middle school all over again.  <sarcasm>How I love to relive those days!!</sarcasm>

I really love my current living situation, it feels like a vacation rental.  It’s a roomy studio with a small kitchen and cute little eating nook.  It’s a very peaceful place to be, and awesome because I don’t have a dog barking and jumping on me every two seconds!  The sucky thing is that I have to find a real place to live for September and onwards.  The housing search begins again.  Sigh.

Ok I think that’s enough rambling for now.  My brain feels a little bit better.  I may run to Starbucks to get some fresh air and a snack.  I need all the help I can get.

Big changes

I’ve been ignoring my blog for a while now. So much has happened, and has yet to happen. The biggest deal: on July 20 I’ll be moving out of my “marriage-on-lease” situation and taking a break from my relationship with Michael. There are a lot of events that have culminated in this decision, but the proverbial nail in the coffin was when I made out with another guy three weeks ago. Overall, I find myself attracted to other people, and that’s a bad sign.

Although I admit that I have actively been a bad girlfriend, I have always had some lingering doubts about my relationship. There was a time when I resigned myself to the fact that I had finally found a good guy. I just wanted to be in a stable relationship and not deal with any more drama. And don’t get me wrong: for a while it was awesome. Good sex, lots of laughter, fun adventures. Eventually our adventures stopped happening, though. And I think the single thing that ended the adventures was getting a puppy. Not only did we have to pick up and move to a new place, but the added stress of housetraining, veterinary care, and most of all, the fact that one of us has to be home ALL the time has taken its toll — on me, especially. The dog isn’t even neutered yet, and he’s started marking his territory in the house. Today he just peed on the bed. He humps our poor cat like he’s on a mission. And the barking — I swear I am going deaf from the barking! For a dog so small (he’s a corgie) he has lungs like a siren.

AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Another thing that has bothered me is the question of social skills. I consider myself to be a very friendly, somewhat outgoing person, and I make acquaintances pretty easily when put in the right situation. Michael, on the other hand — he has a few friends that he can count on, but having conversations with new people has always been a major weakness for him. That’s okay, but I wish he would at least make more of an effort. It doesn’t even seem like he’s tried very hard to warm up to my own friends, who are the world to me! It’s really frustrating because I have become accepted by his friends really easily.

I started to hang out in Eastlake since March and ever since then we’ve grown apart. I’d ask him if he’d like to come along and he came once, but other than that he never took me up on my offer. So I’d leave him at home watching TV and taking care of Arthur while I went off to do my own thing. After a while it feels like we’ve been living separate lives, and being on my own so much made me feel like I’m single.

Sigh. This is hard to write about. This is why I haven’t written anything for so long.

So July 20th I’m moving into a studio in the U-district for 6 weeks. (John, I’ll actually be only a block away from you — literally.) After that, we’ll see. Maybe I’ll move back here, or maybe I’ll move on. Michael knows about the incident, and wasn’t happy, to say the least. I know he still loves me (I still love him too) but I don’t know what he wants, either. I’m assuming that in spite of everything, he still wants to be in a relationship with me.

Right now it’s hard, still being here. I’m not free yet. I am trying to last until July 20th but I may need to bum around for a few days before then. I don’t know if I can stand the feeling of being stuck here. I’m trying to be respectful and I am only going out once a week, but I feel stuck in this situation of being in a relationship that has now gone completely bland — I’m stuck at home with in a relationship that has now gone completely bland and a dog that is driving me absolutely crazy. I’m going nuts.

I take responsibility for my actions. I am not a victim in any way, I am not trying to push the blame on Michael for all of this. I always have the power to make my own decisions, and I probably should have taken a break from my relationship a long time ago. I should probably have not moved in with Michael in the first place. What do you do — you live and learn, you do the best you can with the knowledge and resources that you have. I may not blame Michael, but I’m not going to beat myself up over all this, either.

Facts of life

• In less than a month I will be 25 years old. I feel ill-prepared for adulthood.
• I’ve started swearing a lot more than I used to.  I’m not sure how I feel about this.
• I’ve been a bad girlfriend.  I should probably break up and move out.
• On the bright side, I just bought a digital grand piano with my stimulus check. The Yamaha YPG-625.  I need to find more expression through music.
• I live for my friends. And I miss Angie so much it hurts!
• I’m really tired all the time, but I decided that I don’t care anymore.

$$$????

There is a taco shack just a block away from where I live that literally serves tacos and burritos out of the window of a little trailer.  A canopy is propped up to cover a plastic picnic table and chairs, which is their “seating area.”  The food is authentic and tasty, and best of all, dirt cheap.  Or so it WAS.

Tacos are $2 each, instead of $1.75.  Burritos, which were once $4.75, went up in price a dollar.  So the taco shack isn’t dirt cheap anymore — it’s “pretty cheap.”  I don’t think I can justifiably brag about this place anymore, although I’d certainly recommend it.

I suspect that food prices on the raw market are driving up prices on the menu.  I picked up some veggie lasagna today from a Pizza/Panini place across the street, and it too has gone up in price.  $9 for lasagna in a little to-go box?  Seems a little steep for me.

I may find myself on a new portion control diet, not because I want to shed weight, but because I want to save MONEY.

Every day it feels like the cost of living just keeps going up and up.  Gas costs.  Food costs.  Energy bills.  The job market feels really tight, and I’m not surprised that the national unemployment rate keeps increasing.  It all depresses the hell out of me.  I know there’s no such thing as a “quick fix” for the economy’s problems, but when can we expect to get some relief here?  WHEN?

Morning writing warmup

Time to get my writing muscles working.

I came down with a head cold over the weekend, and I doubt the winter-like Seattle rain in June helps any. The heat actually came on the other day, and we’re like “c’mon, you’ve gotta be kidding me!”  Blah, Seattle, blah. Anyways, my cold has finally gone away, after sleeping away half the weekend and drinking half a bottle of NyQuil. Go me!

The boyfriend’s out of town for the week, so it’s time to  PAR-TAY!  Well, maybe not.  I guess I was excited about having guilt-free time to myself before he left, but I miss him like hell already — and he only left yesterday!  I think that must say something about our relationship.  As much as I get caught up in how blase it feels sometimes, I think I’m way more devoted to him than I realize.  He gets back late Sunday night (technically, early early Monday morning, at like 1:30 a.m.).  We’ll see if I can’t keep myself out of trouble before then!

As for work, I decided to take the other job position. I figure I have nothing to lose, and staying with the company a little longer takes out any personal element of my previous situation, i.e. good for positive job reference.  My last day at my current job will be this Friday, and next week Wednesday I’ll be starting up with the new position.  A bonus is that I’m switching from full-time employment to a 32-hour work week, at my own request. Sure, I’m taking a pay cut, but it’s worth it — I feel like I never have enough time on my hands.  This job is only a temporary means to an end, and I need time to figure out what that “end” is.

Not much else going on. My friend Jay’s birthday is this Friday — Friday the 13th, no less.  I’m debating what I should get him.  I’m thinking of getting him something quirky, like a pet fish.  Who doesn’t love a pet fish?  I love pet fish, but can’t seem to keep any of them alive.  I can’t even keep a stupid plant alive.

Go me!

Killing time

Oh my gosh I can’t seem to keep my eyes open.  I hate that feeling … I’m just so tired all the time.  I don’t get enough exercise!  The other day I looked at my butt in the mirror and almost had a heart attack.  What the hell happened?  I’ve been sitting on my ass too much, that’s what.

I used to be so fit.  I could swim a mile.  I could run.  I could carry heavy things.  Play tennis.  Now I’ve become a total slacker-ass.  Very lazy.  This is what relationships do to you!

But enough of my narcissistic rant.

I haven’t had a chance to express my happiness that Obama is on the ticket for the general election.  I think if he is President he will be a great leader.  He has brought so many people into the political process that never used to care, or think they mattered (me included).  God bless the man.

I’ve heard a lot of arguments from the opposition.  He’s not patriotic, he’s too liberal, he’s elitist, blah blah blah.  And of course, there is the “lack of experience” argument.  Honestly, I think having someone “fresh” in the white house is a good thing, and that is part of the movement that has defined his campaign. The absolute number one reason I love the guy is because I really believe he is going to change the system.  Before anyone saw it coming, he had been somewhat of a dark horse (no racial pun intended, people!) in this contest — an outsider, if you will.  I really like that about him.  Like many other young people, I have become so disillusioned with the way politics are handled, that to have someone come from the outside, running on a platform of transparency, integrity and reason — I am all for it.

I may not agree with him on all the issues but his new brand of politics is what I’m ultimately voting for.

And now I’m fifteen minutes away from the end of my work day.  Thank God.  The working life in your 20s really sucks sometimes (almost all the time).