Big changes

I’ve been ignoring my blog for a while now. So much has happened, and has yet to happen. The biggest deal: on July 20 I’ll be moving out of my “marriage-on-lease” situation and taking a break from my relationship with Michael. There are a lot of events that have culminated in this decision, but the proverbial nail in the coffin was when I made out with another guy three weeks ago. Overall, I find myself attracted to other people, and that’s a bad sign.

Although I admit that I have actively been a bad girlfriend, I have always had some lingering doubts about my relationship. There was a time when I resigned myself to the fact that I had finally found a good guy. I just wanted to be in a stable relationship and not deal with any more drama. And don’t get me wrong: for a while it was awesome. Good sex, lots of laughter, fun adventures. Eventually our adventures stopped happening, though. And I think the single thing that ended the adventures was getting a puppy. Not only did we have to pick up and move to a new place, but the added stress of housetraining, veterinary care, and most of all, the fact that one of us has to be home ALL the time has taken its toll — on me, especially. The dog isn’t even neutered yet, and he’s started marking his territory in the house. Today he just peed on the bed. He humps our poor cat like he’s on a mission. And the barking — I swear I am going deaf from the barking! For a dog so small (he’s a corgie) he has lungs like a siren.

AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Another thing that has bothered me is the question of social skills. I consider myself to be a very friendly, somewhat outgoing person, and I make acquaintances pretty easily when put in the right situation. Michael, on the other hand — he has a few friends that he can count on, but having conversations with new people has always been a major weakness for him. That’s okay, but I wish he would at least make more of an effort. It doesn’t even seem like he’s tried very hard to warm up to my own friends, who are the world to me! It’s really frustrating because I have become accepted by his friends really easily.

I started to hang out in Eastlake since March and ever since then we’ve grown apart. I’d ask him if he’d like to come along and he came once, but other than that he never took me up on my offer. So I’d leave him at home watching TV and taking care of Arthur while I went off to do my own thing. After a while it feels like we’ve been living separate lives, and being on my own so much made me feel like I’m single.

Sigh. This is hard to write about. This is why I haven’t written anything for so long.

So July 20th I’m moving into a studio in the U-district for 6 weeks. (John, I’ll actually be only a block away from you — literally.) After that, we’ll see. Maybe I’ll move back here, or maybe I’ll move on. Michael knows about the incident, and wasn’t happy, to say the least. I know he still loves me (I still love him too) but I don’t know what he wants, either. I’m assuming that in spite of everything, he still wants to be in a relationship with me.

Right now it’s hard, still being here. I’m not free yet. I am trying to last until July 20th but I may need to bum around for a few days before then. I don’t know if I can stand the feeling of being stuck here. I’m trying to be respectful and I am only going out once a week, but I feel stuck in this situation of being in a relationship that has now gone completely bland — I’m stuck at home with in a relationship that has now gone completely bland and a dog that is driving me absolutely crazy. I’m going nuts.

I take responsibility for my actions. I am not a victim in any way, I am not trying to push the blame on Michael for all of this. I always have the power to make my own decisions, and I probably should have taken a break from my relationship a long time ago. I should probably have not moved in with Michael in the first place. What do you do — you live and learn, you do the best you can with the knowledge and resources that you have. I may not blame Michael, but I’m not going to beat myself up over all this, either.

~ by scriblscrabl on July 6, 2008.