Here we go again

Trying to get back in the habit of updating this blog.  I’ve broken rule #2 for this blog so many times it’s not even funny.

John and I went to our first East coast swing dancing lesson last night!  It was so much fun, I am so hooked.  I’ve actually taken a couple classes before, so the basic steps all started coming back to me.  We had to rotate partners constantly, and all of these men were of various ages, smells, shapes and sizes.  The guy that would always rotate right before John was this really smelly guy who moved like Gumby.  That dude really needs to take a shower.  I was always so relieved by the time I rotated to John again!  Who is, by the way, pretty damn good too — a natural, so to speak.  It’s so awesome having a designated dance partner, and I’m going to make him practice with me ALL THE TIME.

I’m supposed to see The Dark Knight tonight with the new guy, but I haven’t heard from him since the 3 a.m. poem he sent me over text two nights ago.  Yes, you heard right … he and I exchange poems over text.  I’d like to think it’s a sign of good faith, that he really does like me, but then when it comes to the simple things — like calling to confirm plans for tonight — I have no idea what is going on.  I have no idea what I am supposed to do.  I feel like this is all destined for failure. Then again, who the hell knows.  At one point I really thought Michael was “the one” and then things didn’t turn out like I expected either.

You know what the problem is?  There have been so many “rules” written about dating people, that I’m so fucking scared to scare this guy away.  And then there is always the possibility that maybe he just doesn’t like me that much, in spite of what he says, because again, that’s what books tell me!  There are so many voices in my head that it’s driving me crazy.  I’m getting anxiety attacks.  Friends try to give me advice, but what I really need to do is trick myself into changing my behavior.

I can try following the rules all I want but what I really need to do is adjust my attitude.  I have been so focused on being a good friend and helping other people, because it’s so much easier than dealing with my own shit.  I don’t love myself enough.  That needs to change.  If I can be secure in myself, then I won’t have to be all paranoid and crazy.  Things are going to be okay.

Is there even such a thing as a “normal love life”??  I highly doubt it.  We try to normalize it in books and movies but everything is just so fucked up, what is the point of deluding ourselves.

~ by scriblscrabl on July 31, 2008.