Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne?
For auld lang syne, my dear
For auld lang syne,
We’ll take a cup of kindness yet
For auld lang syne.
I’ve always loved this song. I love the melody and I love the beautiful simplicity of its lyrics. Auld Lang Syne is a Scottish phrase that literally translates to “Old long since,” but more loosely translates to “Days gone by.”
It’s been quite a year.
If I could go back in a time machine and tell December 2008 Melana how much life would change over the coming year, I don’t think she’d believe it. Even now, I am bewildered by the events that have happened. I experienced some terrible, terrible things, and it will take many years for me to recover — and even then, there are some scars that will never fade. But in the end, my story is a story of hope and survival — a story of courage in the face of adversity, a story of love in the face of self-hatred and loathing, and a story of the pursuit of authenticity. If I gather these lessons into my heart and remember how far I’ve come, why should I doubt myself? Why should I doubt that goodness will come into my life, if I were to only let it?
I met up with my friend Zach for drinks to celebrate our one-year “Acquaintance anniversary.” I’ve only known him for one year but he already feels like an old friend. I’m sure we will be friends for a long time … I just have a hunch. I have hunches about lots of things.
I vented to him my frustration over the situation of my love life, and he listened intently and made insightful comments. Almost exactly a year ago, we were chatting over the exact same topic, except the players were different and so was the intensity of the drama.
We met at the Eastlake Zoo Tavern, my usual watering hole, on a fateful Sunday night last year. December 28, to be exact. The only reason why I remember this is because it was three days after Christmas, and the events surrounding Christmas are extremely vivid — I can even recount the outfits people were wearing that day.
I was not well. My alcoholic, psychopathic, verbally and physically abusive boyfriend had gotten into a yelling match with my best friend two days earlier. They both were scheduled to work that Friday night, and he ended up walking out on his shift after getting into a sticky situation with one of the bar patrons. He told her he was leaving, and that he was not going to deal with immigrant motherfuckers. She told him to do his job. He told her to fuck off. She flipped him off as he walked out the door. And there I stood, jaw to the floor, absolutely flabberghasted at what was happening.
And like a starved puppy, I ran after him.
“Damien, you have to listen to me,” I said. “If you walk out again you are going to get fired.” This was the third time he had walked out on his shift.
“Get away from me!” he shouted. Along with some other very not nice things. Then the “immigrant” walked out and approached us. He did not look happy. Oh, this is just fucking great.
“You wanna fight, man?” he called, holding his hands out in the usual threat display. He came closer. I was between the two of them as he approached, but I didn’t move out of the way. Instead, I turned and looked the guy straight in the eye.
“I’m sorry. Please, just let it go.”
The guy looked at me for a few seconds, scowling. Then he turned away and went back to the Zoo.
Damien will never admit that I probably saved him from getting in trouble with the police that night. By all rights he should be in jail.
The rest of the events that night are fuzzy. As Damien got on the bus and threatened to throw away the iPod nano I had given him for Christmas, and that things were “OVER,” I felt my heart shatter, for the billionth time. For the rest of the night I ended up hanging out with my friend Bright, who I followed along on his post-holiday drinking escapade, absolutely dazed. I was in post-traumatic shutdown.
I didn’t talk to Damien for the next two days. I never knew if our relationship was over or if, once again, he was just blowing smoke out his ass. So I went to the Zoo again, on a night he wasn’t working, because I had nowhere else to go. My life completely revolved around my asshole boyfriend, at the expense of relationships with my friends, family, school and work. And that’s when I met Zach.
Sometimes, when you really need it, life throws you a bone.
In the middle of being depressed that night over my bad relationship, I accidentally began to hang out with a group of friends that night at the Zoo. As I moved along the circle, I was eventually introduced to Zach; skinny and tall, with boyish good looks and a slim hoodie, I thought he must be gay. He looked like an effeminate emo kid, after all. My assumption led me to believe it was “safe” to talk to him, because the whole sex thing would not be an issue, so I did.
Then he eventually asked me for my phone number … whoops.
In between chatting with Zach, Damien started texting and calling me. He called Renee a bitch, he called me a bitch, he told me that he hated me, blah blah blah. I excused myself and shut myself up in the “Employees only” closet, where a person within earshot may have heard the muffled screaming as we argued over the phone. This was my shithole life last year … it was my own personal hell.
Over the next few days Zach became my new secret friend. He lived in the U-district, so I snuck happy hour drinks with him, and we chatted about our bad relationship issues. He was going through some of his own confusion with a “friend that he occasionally sleeps with,” a girl who was also experiencing some serious psychological problems.
In a way, it felt like we were dating, although we never slept together or anything. He liked me … he smiled at me and bought me drinks, and gave me compliments. He was pleasant company, which was so refreshing to have in the middle of my chaotic life. Our circles did not overlap, so our meetings felt like taking a “timeout” from the rest of life — a timeout to reflect and chat. Having him in my life probably helped me more than either of us could ever imagine.
I was always up front with Zach about what was going with my tumultuous relationship. Eventually, I was back in the thick of it, and things were only about to get worse. Zach, however, continued dating around, and found an awesome girlfriend a few week later. He’s still really happy, and I’m really happy for him. Maybe someday, I will be able to say the same for myself. But for now, this New Year’s I will be single, for the first time in several years. And I’m starting to feel ok about that.
A cup of kindness goes a very, very long way.
